Don’t degrade yourself on Black Friday. Some people will act like animals for an extra 10 percent off published sale prices, but you don’t have to be one of them. Avoid confrontation with ill-mannered shoppers by preparing yourself with coping strategies. For example:
The offense: An angry-looking woman in flesh-colored leggings hip-checks you in an attempt to enter a store before you.
You could: Tackle her and beat her till she’s dead. (But don’t do that.)
You should: Stop in your tracks, put your hands on your hips, and twerk like your life depended on it. Sure, twerking is completely passé—that’s exactly why it will get under her skin!
The offense: A complete stranger calls you a bitch for buying the last flat-screen TV in the universe.
You could: Say, “Funny, that was my nickname for your mother in prison.” (But don’t do that.)
You should: Say, “Gesundheit! By the way, I’m a doctor and you should have that thing checked.” Then walk away briskly.
The offense: The loudmouthed guy in line behind you is complaining about how the cashier is slower than a bowel movement after a cheese-eating contest.
You could: Take his complaining to the next level by initiating a coup d’etat that culminates in pants-ing several minimum-wage employees. (But don’t do that.)
You should: Realize that up in heaven Karen Carpenter is watching all this happen and she has just given you an earworm that you cannot hold in for one second longer! Sing it with me, everybody! Don’t you remember you told me you loved me, baby? You said you’d be comin’ back this way again, baby. Baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you. I really do.
The offense: Despite your directional signal being on for 10 minutes, some hipster in a Mini Cooper just stole your parking spot.
You could: Exit your car, throw what’s left of your Wendy’s Frosty on his driver’s side window and, as if finger-painting, draw a rudimentary penis. (But don’t do that.)
You should: Patiently wait for him to exit his car, roll down your window and say, “Excuse me, sir, you probably don’t realize it, but I’ve been waiting for that space for a while now.” He should apologize and move his car. If he doesn’t, revert to rudimentary penis drawing.
The offense: Absolutely everyone and everything is getting on your nerves, from the bumper-to-bumper traffic to the soggy sesame chicken at the Panda Palace.
You could: Let the stress chip away at your soul until it resembles the fingerling potato from last Thanksgiving that you found under the sink this past Saturday. (But don’t do that.)
You should: Eat your weight in leftover stuffing and get everyone gift cards because that’s what they really want anyway.