Smartass Retorts For Nosy Relatives

Does Aunt Tammy ask you the same annoying questions every year around this time? You know, the ones about your weight and reproductive status. Take it from me, her bad manners are certainly not worth getting your own panties in a pinch. Let the nosy broad know she’s poking her nose in the wrong business by answering her with one of these smartass retorts.

She says: “Did you gain weight?”

You say: “Yes, but I lost my will to live. If I’m not back from the bathroom in, like, 20 minutes, I’m probably not coming back. Tell Dad I loved him the most.”

She says: “Someone’s putting on the pounds!”

You say: “Have you seen this family? I was literally dealt the worse genetic hand possible. What the hell? Now I just carry around my own butter.”

She says: “So, you’re still not married.”

You say: “I just cannot find anyone else who will kiss me as passionately as Aunt Margaret used to. God rest her soul.”

She says: “Are you still in that same job?”

You say: “Yes, despite the sexual favors I have granted to nearly half the office. Do you think I’m doing something wrong?”

She says: “When are you having children?”

You say: “We just watched Rosemary’s Baby. Kinda turned me off to the whole idea. But I’m thinking about getting a pixie cut.”

She says: “No, seriously, when are you having kids?”

You say: “I’ll be honest with you. We are having way too much fun having sex to bring a child into this relationship.”

She says: “What do you plan on doing for the rest of your life?”

You say: “Avoiding death.”

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When you're walking home from work on a beautiful fall evening and you think, "A delicious cappuccino would make my life complete right now." Then you realize it's 5:00 and you're too old for that shit.

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