7 Things to Toss Right Now So Your Look Isn't Dated

Excuse me—yes, you in the white trainers and skirt suit—hello? 1988 called and it wants its fashion back. Now before you get mad at me for being mean, I’ll say this: I bet 99% of your wardrobe is filled with classic garments and trendy, age-appropriate pieces. But that last 1%? Buh-bye. Here’s my handy list of items to retire right now. No excuses. Just do it.

clinton kelly 7 things to toss right now

1. Hooker shoes

There are certain careers that demand that you wear platform stilettos made of pleather or Lucite (see: stripper, drag waitress at Lucky Chang’s). If that’s not your chosen vocation, don’t wear these shoes, ladies. I don’t care if you’re going to the club. You’re either sending the wrong idea, or you’re going to trip and spill your Cosmo on me, and either way, I’m pissed. If you're not sure whether what you're wearing qualifies, try asking a guy if he's ever seen those shoes in a porno. If the answer is yes, to the bin they go.

2. Ultra low rise jeans

Who can forget Britney at her peak, those hipbones jutting out of jeans that barely covered her lady parts? Low-rise had a moment, but just like my gal Spears, that moment’s gone. And if you’ve still got your originals, you’re almost guaranteed to have a muffin top spilling out of them. Swap them for denim that starts an inch or two below your navel, preferably in a dark wash with a straight leg.

3. Giveaway t-shirts

There are well-made, well-fitting t-shirts out there. And then there are the ones that get shot out of a t-shirt cannon. Don’t wear those in public. No one’s gonna be impressed that you won the karaoke contest at the local bar, or that your mom went to New Orleans and all you got was this stinkin’ t-shirt. Each of these scream “I have nothing else to wear, and I don’t care!” You can find a decent white t-shirt for about $5 at a bunch of retailers—get two, take good care of them, and you’ll never have an excuse for the giveaways.

4. Suntan hose

Sometime in the early 90s, hosiery manufacturers realized that not all women’s legs are permanently bronzed (it may have coincided with the discovery that tanning beds are terrible for you). So now women have options. Phew! But really you have two choices: looking like you’re not wearing hosiery (by choosing a pair that matches your skin tone), or looking like you definitely are wearing hosiery (with an opaque black, colored, textured or printed tight). If you put on a pair of hose and it looks like you’ve put on someone else’s legs, time to throw them in the trash.

5. Tracksuits

Unless you’re over 75 or under 18, there’s no public place where you should be seen in top-to-bottom velour. Sure, it’s comfy, but I’m certain the manufacturers of said garments are laughing at you—all the way to the bank. If you’re trying to be casual, try legging pants instead (just wear them with a shirt or sweater that covers your crotch).

6. Skin-tone clothes

Beige, tan, cocoa… All perfectly nice colors, but if that’s the same color of your skin, resist the urge to wear too much of it, especially near your face. Why? Because any uniform color that’s too close to your skin tone is going to make the imperfections in your own coloring (freckles, broken capillaries, wrinkles) even more obvious. And worn head-to-toe or in a tight pant? Too much skin, people! Your better bet if you want a neutral is to wear someone else’s skin tone. Sounds creepy, but contrast is pretty!

7. Flip flops

With warm weather coming, I have to pre-empt this: Rubber flip flops are for the beach or the pool. They are not for the office, or the commute, or the kids’ soccer games, or the mall. They’re just lame. And they’re not even that good for your feet! Invest in a nice casual leather sandal, or even a Birkenstock—but not if you’ve had the same pair since the 90s.

P.S. Don’t forget my mantra: If you wore a trend once, you’re too old to wear it again. So even if you’ve noticed that Mom Jeans, white sneakers or Laura Ashley florals are making a comeback, if that sh*t's still in your closet from the first time around, eBay it to a silly hipster, do NOT wear it yourself.

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